propertyofLIFE's Xanga

What Lies Beneath.

Sat, 26 Jan 2008 18:40:49 GMT

Nothing compares
to the feeling that i had
when i heard the news.
An instantaneous ignition;
A spontaneous combustion.

As i picture skin on skin
his hands tracing her body
(the body that i fell in love with)
with lustful intent
and non-emotional connection,
the small flame

Explodes.

Into something bigger
something stronger
and more
dangerous.
Jealousy only stokes the fire
and the burning wreckage
in my chest
cannot be stopped now.
Unintentional
but unstoppable.
Irrational
but irreversible.

I carry the weight of the world
on my shoulders
today.
The name is Atlas
and i am normally a Titan.
But i have been
reduced
to an unimportant little speck.

But!
Said speck has a weapon;
Never underestimate fire
that has been lit by
past love.
As much as i would love to use
this fire
i will restrain my emotions
and only let it simmer
beneath.
the.
surface.

Hiding
but watching.
Elusive
but conclusive.

I am Atlas.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Tue, 22 Jan 2008 19:43:12 GMT

I find myself wanting to get away.
Away from the heartache
the trouble
the anger and jealousy
and sadness.

It is constant
and sometimes
I am left wondering:
on our deepest level, are we friends?
In love?
Because sometimes it seems like we are

Enemies.

The art of war is not a pretty one.
It is not displayed in museums
not portrayed in the media as beautiful
and not celebrated among artists
of any kind.

Fighting
oftentimes seems like
there is
No

Freaking

Point.

What happens when generals
get tired of fighting?
They can't just
quit.
Or else
they lose the war.
And Oh!
How important it is
to win that war.
Oh so important.

But in defeat...
what have they got
to lose?

These bags under my eyes cannot possibly be good.

Sat, 08 Dec 2007 20:39:12 GMT

And yet, i don't care. The Universe needs saving!

I am thinking of calling in sick to work today. Of course, my manager would argue with me and make me bring a doctor's note, but i don't care. And with a few apathetic parting words, i would hang up the phone. Because i am Commander Shepard, and Commander Shepard does whatever the hell he wants to.

Never mind the fact that i look like a skeleton when i smile!

In other news, i got accepted to Northern Arizona University. NAU is located in the North-Western Galactic Arizona Region. Many great space captains have gone there. It is a possibility. But not right now, no! I have no time! The Turian bastards have attacked Earth. This is an act of war.

Time to bust out my assault rifle.

I am, perhaps, too tired for this.

Sat, 08 Dec 2007 03:38:37 GMT

My eyes burn right now for so many different reasons. Exhaustion is a key factor, as well as recent emotional stirrings. I am tired. I am tired in general, and tired of so many things. I hardly have the energy to devote to anything i want to anymore.

As it rains here in Scottsdale, for about the third day this entire year, the pitter-patter on my skylight is calming. Soothing, almost to the point where i am ready to collapse. And it just sounds nice. So nice.

I bought this game Mass Effect for my Xbox 360 today. I am a sucker for interactive entertainment, and the outer case of the game was too compelling to resist, whatwith a fresh supply of $20 bills in my wallet. Upon returning home, i placed it into my disc tray with the heavy anticipation that i get whenever i have bought something new (particularly games). I skipped school today just so that i could buy a new game and play it. I needed the day off, you see, and perhaps more than a little time to myself.

I bought the game used at Gamestop, so that i could return it within 7 days as specified by the receipt, if i didn't happen to like it. I am a master of cheating the retail system. And i had heard mixed reviews about Mass Effect, so i didn't want to risk buying it new and having to trade it in and get half of my money back, instead of a full refund. Not only am i a master of cheating the system, but i am also a master of getting my money's worth, you see. So with a wary anticipation, i pressed the close button of the disc tray and the game loaded up.

It is still there, and my 360 has not shut off since i put it in. That was 6 hours ago.

All of the sudden, i find myself captivated; captivated, by a fictional universe that has sucked me in much like a vacuum cleaner sucks in dust. I looked at the clock, and it was 3:30. The next time i looked, it was 9. I have been sucked away from all of my troubles; all of the heartache and problems and trappings of real life. And it is bliss. Simple bliss.

This is why i play games. This is why i get so excited whenever i turn on my Xbox 360.

I am lost. And never before have i felt so much like i know where i am going.

I am going to the Citadel to confront the alien ambassador and put a laser blast through his skull.
For I....am Commander Shepard.
And i am a Universal Badass.

I can't do it!

Thu, 29 Nov 2007 20:47:04 GMT

I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I am not a facist bastard I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write. I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write I can't write.

Oh, Winston.

Mon, 26 Nov 2007 02:11:40 GMT

"We shall show mercy, but we shall not ask for it."
-Winston Churchill, 1940 Speech at the House of Commons

How powerful of a quote, honestly. Of course, Churchill was referring to the War that was going on at the time, but i think it is so incredibly applicable, even in today's world. How many times does someone like me feel like i am never wrong and the other person is? All the time, it seems. I am so unbelievably stubborn. It can't possibly be a healthy habit. Perhaps i just believe that i am very firmly grounded in reality, or maybe it's because i am an arrogant prick.

Being above someone else is such a priority these days. Take being the best at a sport, for example. How often do we cheer when the Phoenix Suns beat their opponents by a landslide score? The more we crush them, the more fans we have. The Suns show no mercy when it comes to basketball. And they are so good that they never really need to ask for it from the opposing team, either. If only i had a reason to be that confident.

But on the flip side of the coin, teachers these days have quit using red pens and markers because studies have shown that there is a negative psychological impact on children who are constantly subjected to the color red. Apparently red is the color of rejection and the color of being shunned. So, in order to spare the fragile, suspectable minds of today's youth, many teachers have now taken to using purple pens instead of red, because it is not quite as negative.

What a fucking joke.

I think there is such a thing as showing too much mercy. Sometimes a little bit of negative reinforcement does much more good than harm. How would we ever learn from our mistakes if we were not reprimanded for them, or if there were no consequences? Sure, everyone might be happier without a conscious, but our world and particularly our country would be in chaos as a result. But as long as everyone is happy, no one really would care. It's scary how easily our world could change into something similar to that.

So where is the balance? Perhaps Winston Churchill had his head in the right place; being able to show mercy but not need it from others is indeed a valuable skill. Whether it's showing a scumbag of a person some love anyways, giving a cheating husband/wife a second chance, or allowing a robber to have reprieve from civil charges, we need to show more mercy. But at the same time, we need to not have to apologize as much. Behaving in a way that needs no apology is something that i think we all should strive for.

As for me, i am lucky. In most of my friendships, there are no apologies; there's only acceptance. But i think that i need to start acting in a way that proves my strengths more, and not puts my weaknesses on display. Because if i could act like that all the time, i know that i would be so much happier and so much more satisfied. I am done with apologizing when i don't need to. It is a waste of time and a waste of energy, and i'm not doing it any more.

I think it's no time to ask for mercy. Not right now.

I need to head forward.

(Warning: Vent) Ignorance

Thu, 22 Nov 2007 23:46:29 GMT

irks me.

I am so sick of a particular someone thinking that they are God.

I am a human being, and as such, i act like a human being. I make mistakes, and i learn from them. If everyone was like her, there would be no forgiveness, no letting go, and no room for error.....EVER. She has made mistakes just like everyone else, and for someone to go off and prance around like she's flawless makes me furious. I am not at fault for the problems of everybody else, and i'm especially not the fault of hers. If that's what she thinks then she can shut the fuck up and leave me alone.

Every time she calls, my day just goes out the window, no matter how good i feel before the conversation. I am sick of constantly being feeling pissed off and angry at her. It's not that i don't have any patience; i've shown more patience than any reasonable human being would have by now. But right when i think i'm over this whole damn thing, she says or does something else that gets me started all over again. I would frankly just LOVE to stop talking to her for good, but being that she's unstable as hell, it'd tear her apart. Half of me thinks that she'd deserve it, and the other half doesn't want to be an asshole and make it happen.

I'm sorry, but when you put me through Hell and expect me to put up with endless bullshit that i a) don't deserve, b) have neither asked for nor wanted, and c) did not bargain for, i'm not going to be too pleased. And i'm not. I am usually such a nice and likable guy, but she has pushed too many buttons, too many times. She just doesn't quit. She doesn't fucking quit. And i am so sick of every day being ruined the second that i pick up the phone and hear it's her.

Alec has told me several times that he would never have put up with this much, and he probably would have slapped her by now. Steven has said that he would've left a long time ago. And everyone i've talked to that knows the whole story has said that she doesn't deserve me, and that's not because i'm the one who's being bad here.

I am furious.

Absolutely furious.

Apathetic.

Mon, 19 Nov 2007 23:16:44 GMT

Apathy is liberty, sometimes.

When things blow up in my face, usually i care more than i do right now. I just had one of the biggest falling-outs that i've ever had with anyone in my entire life. But strangely, i don't feel sad or angry. I just feel relieved.

I've been running across a bridge, a rickety old bridge of emotion. The nails holding the bridge together have been weak, and the heavy footsteps of betrayal have been wearing on it for quite some time. And now that this bridge has broken apart and collapsed finally, i find that there was never really that much emotion there in the first place. I am completely apathetic. And i finally feel free.

My shackles are gone; i am released.
There will be no more tripping-up going on here.
I feel one million times better.

It's about time my life got back on track.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Sun, 29 Jul 2007 03:02:51 GMT

Ok, so i didn't realize that i hadn't explained to those of you friends who read this publicly what has happened with Maddie. These things with Samantha were happening before this all happened with Maddie. So i hadn't realized that to you, it would sound like i am an uncaring bastard. In all honesty, what ended up happening after Maddie told me that she was pregnant was that i was already dating Sam (i had broken up with Maddie two weeks before i knew about the pregnancy), and Sam was understanding and kind about it and said that she would stay with me if i would allow it. I said of course i would allow it. Maddie basically got mad and ended up saying that i had to choose between the two of them. It took me a long time, but that's when i posted the post on the 26th, saying that i had chosen and gone with my heart. Maddie decided to have an abortion, stopped talking to me, and that's the last i heard from her. Sam and i are still dating, and i feel that i made the right choice.

Whew. So now that you're all updated, i can move on to what happened today.

Today Samantha came over and we hung out. It was the first time i've seen her in the last two weeks or so (she's been out of town), and it was so nice seeing her again. We played this old-ass PS2 game called Cookie & Cream, and i completely sucked it up at first. But i caught on quick enough, and we played through a level and whatnot, and then she wanted to take a break cause it was frustrating cause i "suck so bad" hahah. But when we first popped it in (no entendre intended), she was just so excited that it made me smile wider than i have in a long time. I had missed her. Very much. Then we sat on my couch for awhile, and i just held her in my arms and rested. Nothing much was said, we just kind of sat/layed there, and it was nice. We went to my room and just laid on my bed; nothing of that sort happened. Many jokes about Blackjack were made (don't ask), but then i left the room for a minute when my dad called me, and when i came back, she was asleep on my bed. It was the cutest thing i have ever seen, and while i looked at her, i felt a sort of tenderness come about that i haven't felt for a very long time. This tenderness that i speak of came and went at certain points throughout the day, but the point is, it was there. This is important, you see. Very important indeed.

We ended up going to Hairspray, which was a great movie. I had already seen the Broadway production when i went to New York City over Winter Break, but the movie was almost exactly as good, although in different ways. In any case, i held hands with her as we walked, and had my arms around her throughout the movie. Again, she was so damn excited that it made me smile. I've noticed that she gets excited about a lot of things, which is always just as adorable, every time. She kept asking me "isn't this great?!" while she smiled at me and looked into my eyes. Her enthusiasm is one of the things that i like about her. She just makes everything invigorating and refreshing. We kissed on and off, and i loved it. This is so different from my last relationship, in so many ways. Within the first couple meetings, Maddie had pushed me into serious things, but Sam and i have just kissed and it's never gotten out of control. It's just sweet, innocent, and affectionate. I could tell by the way she kissed me today that she was happy. It made me feel good, really good. It was altogether a happy day, a very happy day indeed.

I can't explain how much i like Samantha. Maddie positively pales in comparison to how much i like Sam. This is nice, it's a change, and one that was desperately needed. When i am with Samantha, i am never truly upset; i am just happy. Simple, but true.

This is a new experience. Perhaps for once, i'll have someone who i consider to be a REAL girlfriend. But i suppose time will tell.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Wed, 18 Jul 2007 20:28:31 GMT

The nervousness has set in today. My moods have shifted with every song change on my iTunes, and i switch between moments of calm and moments when the tears are ready to spill over, interspersed with occasional split-second thoughts of suicide. I know that those thoughts are absurd, because i would never actually consider such a thing, but they're just automatic. I'm not choosing to think about it; the thoughts just pop into my head and are gone a split second later.

This has not been out of my mind at all in the last 4 days or so. I'm so scared that i'm not sleeping and not eating. I'm not tired, and i'm not hungry. I tried eating a few Sun Chips, but i immediately felt sick and wanted to throw up, so i didn't eat any more.

Even my body is rejecting me.